I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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