dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
