So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
