I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
