..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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