I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
