Hey man sorry I got all grabby
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
