She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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