Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Is it penis luge time yet?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
