I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize