My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
