She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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