I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
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i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
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why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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