OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
