i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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