??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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