Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
