last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
