The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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