i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"