you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
