I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
