I never want to see another naked old woman again.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
