you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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