I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
