I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
this is an emotional support booty call
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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