my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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