I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
