the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
if only i could text you this smell
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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