my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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