Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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