She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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