it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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