Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
