you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
