I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
