Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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