I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
even my farts smell like vagina
lets start a swedish sibling band together
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
