I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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