Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.