she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail