Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
