are you still at the devil's house?
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
