I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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