i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
