My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
