I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
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I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
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you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
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