my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
