Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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