Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
