I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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