He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
My liver is preforming stress tests.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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