what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
