i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
