Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Randomize
