If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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