I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
