i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
