I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
