Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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